Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
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It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
These are my roll models.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five