Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
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I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Choose your fighter
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
NASA has no chill
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?