Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
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KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Lol.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Pickled cat.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*