Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
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Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
just make the entire table out of coaster
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Every damn time