“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
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People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Not recommended for beginners.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u