“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
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Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.