Breakfast for Stoners:
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You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”