Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
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There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no