director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
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you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
2022: I can fix it
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??