me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
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My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
titanic
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.