If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
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Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Facebook memories be like
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.