Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
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I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones