Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
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I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients