*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
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teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I mean…but I did
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.