My horoscope said I should kiss you today
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…u ok Nintendo?
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry