Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
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I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
pep talk
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.