You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
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My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
this has done me in for some reason
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.