prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
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HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
still the best tweet of the year by far
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.