*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
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The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Who knew!
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid