If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
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*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
wtf management?!
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit