No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
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I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
How all things should be taught/explained.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.