Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
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*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Well well well…
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.