*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
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I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
he chose this
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
He was looking for a job and then he found a job