I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
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does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned