9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
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The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone