Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
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If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Beware of fowl play.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.