I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
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“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Brother?
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
So inspired right now.