duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
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If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.