Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
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I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Banana is the quietest snack
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower