[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
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I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.