JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
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*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.