I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
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doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
#ProTip
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Don’t forget to tip your server
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?