Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
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friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”