ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
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This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place