Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
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If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old