Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
You Might Also Like
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.