“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
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I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.