I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
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[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Note to self: always read the final line
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.