Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
You Might Also Like
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Had a spot of bother earlier.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?