I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
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Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
nobody’s gonna understand
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.