100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
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My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!