Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
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Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy