i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
You Might Also Like
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
*limbos under the caution tape
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.