I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
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Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
The Joker was right
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?