[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
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[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
We have a winner.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day