I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
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*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?