me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
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I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.