[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
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Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever