I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
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*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Good news
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
“you recording!?”
Good morning y’all ☀️
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions