GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
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Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?