Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
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My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison