You Might Also Like
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?